Everybody hates me, dontchaknow.
When I was about 12 years old, I had a mental list of all the people in my life and something they had done or said to prove they hated me. This list included family and friends, classmates and teachers. Everyone except my maternal grandparents... but then, they lived 2000 miles away so they didn't have as much opportunity to show they hated me. I was convinced that something was terribly wrong with me and that was why I was so easily hated. I never got into a depression or stopped living life but I'd spend time crying every so often and mentally going over my list. Sometimes I'd consider how nice it would be to escape life but my theory was, if it gets worse, I can always end it later. I was too curious as to how the future would turn out to give up.
Although at some point my 'list' disappeared, I don't think I've ever completely gotten over this mentality. I am constantly feeling like people don't like me. I've even gone so far as to ask my mom if I bother her and ask Josh if he likes me. I know he loves me but sometimes I truely wonder if he LIKES me. I've also asked him if he thinks his parents dislike me. They are sweet, generous people who have never done anything that should lead me to believe they don't... but I sometimes just 'get that feeling'. There are many times when *I* don't even like me, so how am I to expect others to like me?
I know I'm far from a perfect person... but I hate to be judged. I feel like I need to keep my mouth shut more often than not, unless I'm willing to be judged, and judged negatively at that. I feel like I must have some major personality flaws. I feel like I'm a bother to others. I think this is half the reason I'm so introverted... fear.
I think I need to learn how to just embrace who I am and stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks. My family loves me... they seem to like having me around *laugh* so I guess I can't be ALL that bad.
I will never be one of those 'friends to everyone' kind of people who everyone seems to love. I am a very tollerant person and from MY end, I could probably have a relationship with most people but, I need to learn that not everyone will like me and stop dwelling on why... and just enjoy the interactions I have with those who actually do like me (wait, is there anyone who does?).... Damn, will I ever stop thinking this way!?
Although at some point my 'list' disappeared, I don't think I've ever completely gotten over this mentality. I am constantly feeling like people don't like me. I've even gone so far as to ask my mom if I bother her and ask Josh if he likes me. I know he loves me but sometimes I truely wonder if he LIKES me. I've also asked him if he thinks his parents dislike me. They are sweet, generous people who have never done anything that should lead me to believe they don't... but I sometimes just 'get that feeling'. There are many times when *I* don't even like me, so how am I to expect others to like me?
I know I'm far from a perfect person... but I hate to be judged. I feel like I need to keep my mouth shut more often than not, unless I'm willing to be judged, and judged negatively at that. I feel like I must have some major personality flaws. I feel like I'm a bother to others. I think this is half the reason I'm so introverted... fear.
I think I need to learn how to just embrace who I am and stop worrying so much about what everyone else thinks. My family loves me... they seem to like having me around *laugh* so I guess I can't be ALL that bad.
I will never be one of those 'friends to everyone' kind of people who everyone seems to love. I am a very tollerant person and from MY end, I could probably have a relationship with most people but, I need to learn that not everyone will like me and stop dwelling on why... and just enjoy the interactions I have with those who actually do like me (wait, is there anyone who does?).... Damn, will I ever stop thinking this way!?
posted by Chris | 9:12 AM
2 Comments:
I like you, Chris. :) I know what you mean, to some extent. I never expect people to remember who I am. I think I must be super unmemorable. I'm always surprised when they do. Isn't is weird the head trips we play on ourselves?
I like you a lot Christine. I seriously think that if we lived closer we'd become really good friends. I've felt that we are very suimilar in a lot of ways.
btw, I can totally realte to how you are feeling though - in teh last 3 days i have had two friends cut me out of their lives - one came right out and told me that she was doing so (and it wasn't the person i posted about). It has broken me. but wait this isn't about me.
back to you... I think you are sweet and honest and too sensitive for your own good. I think your kids are so lucky to have you. I am sending you a huge hug.
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